Pairing

It isn't about beer.

Really, it's not.

It isn't even about knowing why a thick red wine, slightly below room temp, enhances rather than detracts from that delicious medium-well steak lovingly prepared and sitting before you.

I don't even care what you drink, or even if you drink.

I want you to know, on some level, what you're doing to your tongue when you slam any-old-beverage up against correctly-seasoned-and-prepared food.

When was the last time you took a gargantuan swig of a sticky-sweet soda, then went to have a bite of dessert and thought, Really? This isn't nearly as sweet as I expected it to be. Perhaps, and I mean simply perhaps, the fact that you've overloaded the sweet-sensing aspect of your palette mere seconds before engulfing yet another sweet-tingling taste has rendered your ability to taste the balance of flavors.... oh, how does one say it.... a bit void?

Is that to say the bananas foster you ordered wasn't just a bit over-the-top? By all means, enjoy your petit fours and hazelnut-cherry fudge with delight. I am not telling you to stop. Nor am I suggesting that what you've chosen to wash down your meal with is in some way unsatisfactory.

What I'm trying to convey is that meals should have harmony. Your tongue is probably more analytical at any given moment than the rest of you. It is an entire system reset when you're told what you're about to eat will be salty, and when it gets into your mouth it's nothing but super-sweet. The soda you're chugging changes the way your dinner will taste. I promise you.

Don't believe me?

Experiment time!

Take a drink of whatever you usually have with dinner. Now eat a tiny bit of sugar. Got how that tasted? Good deal. Now, put a couple drops of lemon juice on your tongue. Did you make a face? It's okay, don't worry about it. Put the same amount of sugar on your tongue. I'll be impressed if you're brave enough to then follow that last sugar-taste with the same amount in salt.

Your body adjusts. You don't even realize that your palette normalizes itself. One of the silliest things I've ever heard in my life: "I had dinner at elBulli. Didn't make any sense at all. Just when I got into the groove, and was really understanding the flavors, out comes this bizarre thing that didn't taste right at all."

My instantaneous reaction? "Did the next course taste amazing?"

Response: "Well, yeah, but he seemed to be back on track."

Why is this? Why would a restaurant renowned for its culinary excellence (currently on a hiatus while its owners revamp/ retool/ reset the model from which their art descends) serve you something that, in the logic of a meal, seem absolutely out of sync?

To reset your palette.

That thing you didn't like, that taste that made no sense whatsoever in the larger scale of the meal was meant to throw you off. You should be a bit off balance for the next course, because the over-arching reality of the meal is taking you to entirely new territory from the course before the offending taste to the course after.

How does a 32-34 course meal that will cost you approx. $400 compare to making dinner at home for your family? Why am I even bringing this up?

You should still realize what you're doing.

A meal that tends to the sweet, like teriyaki chicken, for example, will be overpowering if everything you serve with it is sweet. A cured meat may be overwhelmingly salty, when salt is the primary seasoning in everything on the plate.

*gripe from childhood warning* Mom, don't make pork chops breaded in Italian breadcrumbs, match it up with "chinese-flavored" rice out of the box and steamed broccoli and expect me to go, "Wow, this makes sense to my mouth." There's no crunch anywhere on that plate. Trust me. Theoretically, the broccoli would still have some bite to it, but not if you're my Mother. Rubber greenery, something in the rice that looks like slivered cardboard, and not necessarily greasy but definitely heavy-in-the-stomach pork chops? No thanks, I'll make myself a salad.

Well, Miss Smarty Pants, what would you do instead?

If I had "chinese-flavored" rice in a box, pork chops, a relatively normally stocked pantry and broccoli, what would I do?

1 TBS brown sugar
4 TBS soy sauce
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp balsamic vinegar

Marinate room-temp pork chops (at *least* 20 minutes). Prepare boxed rice per instructions. Medium-high heat on oven-safe pan, little olive oil in the pan, get a nice brown on the outside of the meat. Add a couple more dashes of soy/balsamic vinegar, throw in the oven at 350 for 10 minutes to finish it off. Broccoli in a rack over boiling water for 3 minutes. Toss in ice bath. Remove, place on warm plate next to rice. Drizzle with balsamic, little fresh-cracked pepper. Pork chops out of oven, straight to plate. Wait 7-10 minutes for meat to rest. Serve.

Done and done.

By the way, when I was 14, this was pretty much the meal I served when my Mother (I would imagine she was tired of hearing "this meal doesn't make sense" and decided then let the little snot figure it out for herself, I've got a 10-hour workday ahead of me) left me pork chops, "chinese-flavored" rice in a box and broccoli with a note. "Make dinner tonight. Don't ask me how to fix pork chops. You're smart, you figure it out. Love you. Mom." I wasn't so fancy I figured out how to finish meat off in the oven, but the rest is pretty much the same.

For the record, I learned a lot from Julia Child. Thanks, PBS. Martha Stewart can kiss my ass.